Give them the benefit of the doubt, and don’t assume they are lying. They begin to think about consequences, and reduce the bad decisions made in an effort to fit in. “No” is important when it comes to resisting bad behaviour too. We coach them to use the ‘no’ word so they don’t give away their last cigarette or all their money. They are deeply empathetic and don’t want to disappoint. They want to fit in and be wanted, they think saying “yes” makes them likeable. Coming from disadvantage, they are generous and agreeable, sometimes to a fault. This might sound surprising, but the youth we meet don’t often use the word ‘no’. Let them “drive the decisions” and be content to “sit in the passenger seat”. Being popular is important to them. They know the “look” they want. Take them to the shops and let them pick out what they want to wear.Īppearances are important to disadvantaged kids, the same as for all kids. Everything in life is earned and the price we all pay is good manners.ĭon’t buy them clothes and expect them to be grateful. Be predictable about what’s happening, at what time, on what day, all the time, so there’s no surprises.Īnd manners are important too. The expectations of the house should be clear. Routine is really healthy, especially for traumatised young people. You don’t have to talk, just share the experience. Don’t buckle under the young person’s power to persuade so they get their own way.īe present. If you don’t have the right answer, don’t ignore the young person, but equally, don’t say anything at all. Instead, encourage them to own their own decisions. Avoid saying “don’t do that”, this often provokes a triggered response, compelling youth to go out do it. Ask questions, so they come to the right conclusions. Try to guide or lead them to create their own good decisions. You’ll find that your careful, subtle praise can be profoundly special to a teenager. That’s amazing.” It’s not amazing, It’s normal.Ĭhallenge the young person and then acknowledge their achievements. You need to prove to them that you are trustworthy and reliable.Ī lot of the youth get condescending praise, “Oh, that’s good. They know to take turns washing up the dishes because this is the best way to get invited back again.Ĭreate “together” moments, where it’s understood “everyone is important”.Īlways follow through with what you say to a young person. Everybody has a job to do, the young people take turns cooking for everyone. At 7pm we all sit down to have dinner together no phones, no hats, no swearing. Learn to love the surprises.Įveryone should be respectful and non-judgemental of each other. Embrace their uniqueness and individuality.Īct like a family. Tune into the young people. They have their own style and way of learning, which you need to learn. Be curious and open because young people will always surprise. Don’t keep asking them to do something if it causes conflict. This isn’t about you, it’s all about them. Here are my top tips for building a solid, respectful relationship with young people. Trauma responsive care can sound complex however being in that environment full-time has taught me, there’s no direct pathway to engage with young people. When I started as a youth worker I made mistakes, the young people taught me how to help them succeed. Peter Downie with Mark at Coast Shelter Refuge Woy Woy NSW. Hearing of Mark’s achievements honestly makes my day. He works, he’s studying at TAFE and recently got his learners permit to drive a car. When Mark walked in the door of the refuge as a homeless teenager, he hardly spoke at all. The refuge is where I met Mark, an incredible young man who features in the Living Black episode “Taken”, where young people describe life in the out-of-home-care system after being removed from their families. We help to move them into stable, comfortable and safe accomodation where they can be happy that is success to us. I work at Coast Shelter on the Central Coast of NSW, an awesome organisation with the goal of accommodating homeless and disadvantaged kids. It’s where I have laughed a lot, cried a lot but most importantly learned an immense amount about trauma while managing a youth refuge over the last 8 years. OPINION: Curious how to connect with teenagers & get positive outcomes? Dharug man Peter Downie shares his top tips to heal, repair and engage again. OPINION: 13 ways to support our teenagers to thrive in life
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